Adjusting my identity.

I was home all day with Jonah last Thursday. He wasn't feeling well and just needed me. Pretty much every second of the day we were touching.  There was a short period in the morning and then again in the afternoon that we played but mostly we just sat and snuggled. He wasn't sleeping, but just sitting, holding on tight.

I often think about our relationship and how it will look over the years. I know we are closer and more attached now than we will be as he grows up, but it's hard to imagine not being able to just hold him. Being a mom right now defines my life more than anything else and I'm more than okay with that.

I met a woman recently whose son was devastatingly injured in a car accident. He’s sixteen. It's so strikingly obvious that she still sees him as that little boy who toddled around her house a mere fifteen  years ago.  I’m sure it just feels like yesterday. She holds on to him and kisses him like she probably did in the days following bringing him home from the hospital that very first time.

Some people look at her like she’s too attached or too clingy, but I feel so much empathy for her.

I am her. 

I could be her. 

She’d give her life right now for her son to crawl up in her lap and just sit and hold on tight.

So, I maybe won't be too attached to him or maybe I will, but I will always take every chance I get to just hold him tight ESPECIALLY if he wants to hold on to me. 

I have high hopes for him, but that's part of God's plan, not mine. 

So, as we were lying down to sleep Thursday night, I talked to Jonah and to God at the same time, thanking him and asking him for my little boy to be healthy. Realizing that I hadn't really done that during all the sick time we spent together, I prayed harder that he will heal my baby and make him feel better. 

Then, we snuggled until morning when the fever was gone and another day had passed.

As time goes on and more moments pass, I’ll thank God every day for this day and that day, fevers and all. 

Savoring moments with my baby, while he still is. 

xo
Stephanie