I've been
thinking a lot lately of what motherhood really feels like. The beginning of
this new pregnancy has been hard for me and it feels even harder to connect to
the baby growing in my tummy. Yes, I worry about this little pea, especially, its health and well-being.
I’m excited to get to do all those baby things again, but only one thing really
puts me in the mind set of being this child’s mother and that’s remembering the
feeling of becoming Jonah’s mother.
That feeling that you only know if you are
a mother. Whether you gave birth, adopted or your child became your child some
other way. There is a moment when you feel it. It happens deep in your soul, in
your heart of hearts, in your gut, and that feeling is imprinted in your
neurological pathways forever. It’s a feeling of love, attachment, devotion, and
is really indescribable. It can happen at different times for different mothers, some people don't feel it right away and the love just grows gradually, but I still believe there's this moment when you feel that indescribable feeling of being a mother to a child.
For me it truly transpired a few moments after my doctor laid Jonah on my
chest. The doctor tried to take him back to get checked out and cleaned up and
I wouldn't let him go. Just another minute. I patted him, comforted him, kissed
him and talked to him. I cried over him and thanked God probably a thousand
times. Then, those long agonizing minutes while the doctor was “putting me back
together” and the nurse was cleaning him, examining him and my husband was
trying to console him seemed like they went on forever. I wanted to see him,
touch him, squeeze him and that feeling grew and grew. I know I asked a
thousand questions about him and nothing about myself, even though in the
background I heard some words like contractions, placenta, and saw a blur of
blue towels and gauze and stitches. I just wanted to know about the new love of
my life.
 |
| Jonah - October 26, 2011 |
It’s hard to
wrap my head around being able to feel all of that a second time and for so
many moms a third, fourth, and fifth. I know that feeling will come, maybe not
in the same way it did with Jonah, but it will come. Just reliving those
memories makes me so grateful that God is growing our family and growing my
heart. As time goes on, I know I’ll get to know this baby, I’ll get to name
this baby, I’ll love this baby as I did with Jonah before he was born, but that
feeling that comes later is so much more than all of that and it’s so much more
than love. I can’t wait for that moment.
Before becoming a mom, you hear so many women say things like "oh you can't know, unless you have kids" or "just wait" usually followed by something negative. It always bothered me when people would say things like that to me or when I overheard it here or there and I understand now what they are talking about, but when faced with those situations and talking to moms-to-be, I try to make a point to say, "just wait until you see him/her for the first time, it's going to be wonderful like nothing you've ever felt before". I have commented on blog posts that "it will be hard like you never imagined, but it's hard because you are unconditionally in love and devoted to this tiny being - which is the most beautiful feeling". It's almost heartbreaking how much love we experience in a way that makes being a new parent so much harder. Like I said, I can't wait for the painfully wonderful feeling to happen again
Before becoming a mom, you hear so many women say things like "oh you can't know, unless you have kids" or "just wait" usually followed by something negative. It always bothered me when people would say things like that to me or when I overheard it here or there and I understand now what they are talking about, but when faced with those situations and talking to moms-to-be, I try to make a point to say, "just wait until you see him/her for the first time, it's going to be wonderful like nothing you've ever felt before". I have commented on blog posts that "it will be hard like you never imagined, but it's hard because you are unconditionally in love and devoted to this tiny being - which is the most beautiful feeling". It's almost heartbreaking how much love we experience in a way that makes being a new parent so much harder. Like I said, I can't wait for the painfully wonderful feeling to happen again
For me it was hard to connect with both Callan and this baby until I felt movement. I just felt big and awkward and uncomfortable, even though I had seen ultrasounds and knew there was a baby in there. When Callan was born was wonderful, of course, but the first feeling of connection for me comes when they start rolling around in there. :) It's also been harder with the second because Callan demands so much of my attention...I feel like I haven't thought about him enough. He'll be loved on plenty though...and already is loved so much!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteIt is mind blowing, trying to imagine feeling the depth and breadth of love you feel for your child for someone else. It is such a cliché, that there is no such thing as not enough love. You will hear it, you will expect it, you will know it… but you cannot believe it until you feel it. Boy, how am I capable of so much love? I had no idea I possessed the capacity for so much. Congratulations, what a wonderful time.
ReplyDeleteI think the most mind-blowing moment was when I was trying to internalize how I felt about this little person - how much I would do for them, no matter what - and realizing that it never occurred to me that my parents probably felt that way about me. Well, my Dad anyway... And then I realized that my children would probably always take me for granted - they would never understand how much I thought about them, and how important they were for every choice I made in life - and how much I didn't care. I've always recognized myself as being a pretty selfish person, but I had to admit that it didn't matter at all if my kids never appreciated me - I would give my life for them anyway. It was such a crazy realization that I was capable of that kind of love.
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