Breaking Radio Silence.

hi. hello? anyone still there? Finally here breaking radio silence and it feels so good. I finally gave up on trying to blog a few weeks ago. Mostly, just because I really just couldn't physically sit down at the computer. I could sit and stare into space, scroll through instagram, or at the tv but forming words and putting them into semi-grammatical sentences was just too much. The truth is, I feel a lot of disappointment in not being able to write about the last seven weeks. I mean SEVEN weeks have gone by since I came home with this new baby boy.

Confession: It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, I have done this before.

Haven't I?

After I had Jonah 3 years ago, I had a hard time recovering and blamed it on gallstones. I had to have my gallbladder removed when he was 11 weeks old. I blamed how bad I felt on that but I think the truth is, my body doesn't handle pregnancy and birth as well as I'd like it to. I am exhausted and there has been some issue I'm battling every week since before Ezra was born.

  I wrote some about our Breastfeeding journey a few weeks ago and I wish we were all better and I could say I'm enjoying it, but honestly we're not there yet. I think by the time I get there, I'll be going back to work and we'll have a whole other set of issues. I have come to terms with the possibility of weening him at that point if I have to and I'm happy either way. Actually, I've stared at formula sitting on the counter for weeks and have been to the point where I just can't nurse him one more day. Then I just keep going.

You see, I've had some type of infection in my body since well before Ezra was born. A few weeks before my due date, I was diagnosed with an urinary tract infection. I started an antibiotic (1), the next week it hadn't gone away, so she started me on a different anti-biotic(2). I also found out around this time that I was Strep B positive, so I had to be on antibiotics during delivery (3). Then, after delivery, I wasn't able to empty my bladder on my own - so I went home with a catheter and was put on antibiotics to prevent infections from the Foley (4). A week after delivery I went back to have the catheter removed and my blood pressure was really high. (probably from all the pain I was in breastfeeding) and they scheduled me to go back the next week (2 weeks post postpartum) and thankfully my BP was fine, but I was finally told that a culture they sent off before Ezra was born when my UTI wouldn't go away came back as STAPH. Of course, it's resistant to every antibiotic I'd already been on so I got another (5).

 Around this point, was Ezra two week check up, where I was surprised to find out he'd lost a significant amount of weight and he really needed to start gaining back. Let me tell you.. NOTHING makes you feel like more of a failure than for your child who depends solely on you for nutrition has lost over a pound since birth. So, let's just add more stress to the flame that was already burning in the previous paragraph.

Fast forward to Ezra is 5 weeks old, my breasts are healing but there is still an awful stinging burning pain deep in my breasts. Diagnosis - yeast infection. A week later - sudden onset of flu like symptoms. I called Wesley home because I felt like if I walked around, I might pass out. Diagnosis: mastitis. Treatment: more antibiotics. Still on those (6). To say my immune system hates me at this point would be an understatement. To top it off I've had a pretty yucky cold this week and GAH! I just NEED to feel better. It will happen. I'm sure of it and feel like I'm headed in the right direction.

So here we are. I chose to step back from blogging because I need to choose rest instead of writing. I really miss being here in the this space. I count on it really, so I'm trying to slowly come back. I've missed so much and hope to eventually put everything here. Ezra's birth, first almost 8 weeks now, Jonah's 3rd birthday, Halloween, and by that time I'll need to add Thanksgiving.

Forgive me for dumping all of this here, but I just feel like getting all the yucky stuff out of the way will allow me to write all the good stuff without feeling  like I'm glossing over the hard stuff.

Thanks friends for always being just a "publish" button away.



photo credit Mary Moment Photography