It's hard to describe the feeling you get when you realize how much your children have changed your life. The things that are different are immense, vast and so far reaching that you don't really recognize your former self. Who was that person? Was that really me? Something happens that changes you so deeply. It's terrifying and I've heard that feeling never goes away. It lessens a little I think as your children grow into adults and gain their independence, but I see myself as that mother preparing for an empty nest and aching for them to be close.
I know my kids are small and my feelings will probably change as I have to let go a little more and a little more over the years. They will go to school, to friends homes, on school trips, oh man I'm not looking forward to field trip bus rides. See ,there I go again, worrying about something that isn't even happening.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for WELFARE and not for evil, to give you a FUTURE and a HOPE. Jeremiah 29:11
I tell myself often that no matter how much I fight it, I am not in control. God is good, all the time, he provides our guidance and hope for the future, otherwise, what's the point right? So, maybe while I'm praying for them, I need to begin to pray for myself. For my anxieties to be lessened and my heart to speak louder than my brain! Shut up brain. You know nothing of faith.
Tell me I am not alone?
I volunteered with our local sexual assault program for a year, and over half of the victims where young children. It made me so, so paranoid about the safety of my own kids. I think it's one thing to see stories on the news, even if they are in your own town, and feel bad for those people, but still maintain a sense of "detachment," to maybe naively think that "it could never happen to me." It's different when you are right there, face-to-face talking with the victims, seeing it all in the flesh. I don't feel that anxiety about the kids being with my family (which given statistics on sexual assault, I probably should!) but I really don't want them to ever go anywhere else without me (field trips, friends' houses, etc.). My husband is probably equally as paranoid, so we make for a bad team on that - no balance! But I know I can't live my whole life in fear, that I have to let them "spread their wings" and gain some independence and all that. We talk to them about safety measures and have loosen the reigns a bit, and slowly but surely, I'm becoming a bit less anxious and a teeny tiny bit more comfortable. I'm also totally with you on already knowing how bad my empty nest syndrome will be (my youngest is just one year!).
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely not alone in this. I worry constantly. And it's so, so silly. I know it. I feel like I could have written your exact words. We are definitely trusting our babes in the most capable of hands, but something happens when we carry those bundles inside of us for 9 months each. I mean, we "grew" them and we were charged to raise them. So, letting go and allowing others to take on a responsibly of caring for their entire wellbeing for a period of time can make us nervous, even though we know they will have the most fun and learn so much from each other. It's ridiculous. I'm right there with you. My anxiousness is somewhat silenced knowing you feel it too :) We'll be good, mama!!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand where you are coming from. I am right there with you. It is so hard not to worry.
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